It might be gluten-induced (I had rigatoni for dinner…goodbye
mommy abs) or the unnecessary after-dinner espresso I had, which also happens
to be my third cup for the day (eep) but it happened again. Nothing full blown
– half a tear at most. I caught myself early on and was able to dry my eyes using the ever-reliable air conditioning vent. Well, it’s about the right time
cycle-wise but I hope this won’t be a monthly thing. Not a big fan of tears and
emotion. Gluten and caffeine may or may not be culprits but Spotify was
definitely a main accessory to the crime. Yup, it’s the same suicidal playlist
I just love torturing myself with…Your Favorite Coffeehouse. Add the rain and
the weirdly soothing swish of the windshield to the mix and there you have it
folks – a caffeine-powered, overthinking and dangerously emotional Velvet on
the wheel. Uh-oh.
I met a former colleague and newly found kindred spirit for
brunch earlier. We’re both single moms raising our sons. We reconnected over
facebook and met up for a friendly chat. We swapped workout and diet stories,
funny anecdotes about our little boys, laughed about our ‘misguided choices’
and oddly found ourselves nodding silently over the more painful parts. It was
one of the best brunches I’ve had. Good company, strong coffee, excellent food
and her stories – oh her stories. They were bitter sweet. But it was not the
stories that left me awestruck. It was how she told them -- with a smile
evoking such gentle strength. Then she said something that blindsided me…big time.
 |
| Brunch with my twin, C -- I'll explain the twin part next time. grabbed from her IG account ;) |
Between spoons of greek yoghurt and coddled eggs, she asked
if I would consider marrying again. I answered, almost automatically, “No.” She
furrowed her brow and I was stunned. We were on point on almost everything. Why
the disconnect? I thought I was having brunch with a kindred spirit here. Why
was my answer met with a look of absurdity? “Why,” she asked. “Why would I?” I
answered rather smugly. “Marriage is extremely overrated. If I ever succeed in getting
myself un-married, why would I even want to deal with that s**t again?” I think I came on too strong. Just as I was beginning to regret using such harsh words she
smiled THAT same gentle smile again and I knew I was headed for trouble. She
pointed out that I was just traumatized but that things could change in time.
She isn’t closing her doors to marriage. She’s willing to try again... someday...maybe...if the right person comes along.
Oh how brave!
Bananas! Totally bananas!
BUT I wasn’t letting this go without a fight.
“Ok now, do you know how difficult it is to actually find
someone worth marrying AND who would love my son as his own?” That should
surely stump her.
She smiled. Uh-oh. That’s not a
I’m-stumped-and-I-can’t-give-you-a-decent-answer-smile.
“Vel, a friend of mine once said that love isn’t something
you can expect from the new guy at the onset. For starters, it's enough that the guy is nice to your son and respects him. Isn’t it enough that he is a DECENT man and treats you and your son right? Then the love will follow.” Wow. Ok, now I’m
stumped.
…
…
“Nah,” I shook my head, defeated. “NAH.”
“You’re jaded, Vel,” she said, again smiling ever so
sweetly.
Ouch. Am I?
As I drive in the rain, my thoughts fly back to my
conversation with Mish yesterday. I remember having this unshakeable feeling of
dread brought about by an item in my to-do list -- finish annulment homework. In
a slight panic, I texted Mish to meet me for breakfast (technically lunch in my
time zone). Over oatmeal, she recounted her pre-annulment horror story and the
terrifying thoughts that haunted her, which were surprisingly similar to mine. Then
she said them…the words that snapped me out of my anxiety-filled bleh day. “Things
will change in time. It won’t always be this way. The nightmare will end and
your past will stop haunting you. Trust me.” Sigh. I trust her. I claim it. I
feel renewed as protons start to rush in.
Somewhere along EDSA-Guadalupe, Ian Britt starts to sing and
my espresso-fueled brain zones in on the lyrics. Just before the last line of the chorus, a frog magically appears in my throat and my eyes start to sting. Oh no.
We've
found a space to name our own.
There
ain’t no need to fret or fuss.
We've
got all the strength we need in the shape of us.
And I
know you've had it tough.
Your
road's been bumpy and rough.
But
say goodbye to a world that you once knew.
I have
every faith in me and you.
Hold
my hand.
Hold
my heart.
Let go
your fear.
Darling
I will always be here.
I
never felt quite so at home.
Your
sweet caress is the best I've known.
Now
that I've proved to you that I'm worthy of your trust.
Let us
build a world in the shape of us.
Darling
I will always be here.
I am so blessed to have two of the strongest women I know
encourage me. Thank you, C and Mish. I may never meet him or even consider wanting to,
at least not yet BUT you have definitely opened my heart to the healing power
of WONDERING. And yes, I did “wonder” about what it would be like if Richard
Gere sang this song to me… with those tiny half-squinting smiling eyes and
salt-and-pepper hair... as he cooks me breakfast in his jammies in our little home
by the sea. Sigh.
 |
| The WONDERful Richard Gere I know...I know. No need to burst my bubble. |
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| Ten minutes before the car drama happened With my gluten+caffeine partner Hannah post our 90-minute massage (posted this because we just talked about how my blog is "littered" with your photos! lol) |
Love is a decision they say...
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